i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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