i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
