I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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