wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
