I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
