I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
