Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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