Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
