Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
