I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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