Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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