You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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