If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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