It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize