Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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