Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize