I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
