Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
