You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
