Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
