I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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