You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
