so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
