around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
