Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
