he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize