You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
