Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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