Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
