So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
