she woke up with a sticky ear
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Randomize
