2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
