My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
