I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
