when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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