The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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