but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
