Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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