Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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