Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
