Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Help. Why am I so naked?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
