Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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