you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
