So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
