I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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