There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
