Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize