Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
