i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
