good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
