Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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