she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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