Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
