On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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