I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
