She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize